Because I lack the skill and talent necessary to eloquently begin this blog post, I will start with a poorly constructed sentence and the word because. Now, that is out of the way.

I have a lot of questions and puzzled thoughts about my life thus far. How interesting that I have traveled where I have traveled, gone to college, grad school, quit and moved to Chicago. I feel happy, puzzled, amused, regretful, anxious and strange about all of these circumstances. The Lord, however, remains indisputably awesome throughout. Certainly God's divine plan is written all over the circumstances leading up to my current position at Lawndale Christian Health Center. I've never doubted His presence in the situation, only continued forward perplexed and curious about the journey.

My life dream has changed approximately eight thousand times, and I am confident that it will continue to morph. However, in the past five years God has continually pointed out a few common themes that provide an outline of sorts. I love Spanish, medicine, underserved communities and helping people. I want to collaboratively work towards thriving communities and populations through healthcare and Christian ministry. Only God knows where that will be, what that will look like, and with whom that will be. Exciting, eh?

As I've kept on living, experiencing and doing, it has become apparent that God is leading me towards a career in underserved medicine. All thanks to Him for providing me with fabulous friends who are already living or are also striving for the same lifestyle goal. Mission trips, study abroad experiences, mentors, books, friends and missionary role models make this dream what it is.

I love my dream, and am, to a certain extent, living it right now as a medical assistant in Lawndale, Chicago. I love that I am able to speak Spanish at work. Some of my coworkers have become my best friends. I learn a lot from the doctor I work with and I am privileged to start the day praying with coworkers and patients. I can tell patients about my faith without fear of losing my job.

I have a lot of friends that live nearby. People have moved into the neighborhood sacrificing hugely to do ministry here. What they have done and continue to do is beautiful, and so inspiring. Being surrounded by others with similar dreams is a tremendous blessing and so exciting.

Living this dream is awesome, but it is also difficult.

        I am a people pleaser. I love making people happy and fixing their problems, which is why I love healthcare. I will work through lunch if that will make the day go more smoothly for everyone else.  I will do work on the side for patients who need advice or special assistance. I really like caring that much about people, but I have found it to be really difficult in this setting. 

The majority of my patients are very sick and elderly, not to mention low income, struggling with addictions, abused by someone in their lives, etc. Some of them are happy, some are mad, some are frustrated, some love me instantly, some dislike me, some want to talk to me, some will not make eye contact, and others slip in and out of the clinic without any memorable interaction.

So many of my patients need someone to take a special interest in their lives, and I want to be that person. I want to talk with them, follow up and genuinely invest in their lives. I care a lot about each one, which has proved to be overwhelming and somewhat exhausting.

As I grapple with the patients and this community day in and day out, I find myself bumping up against large system issues. It seems like the education system fails many of my patients. They cannot or do not try to understand or take responsibility for the way their actions affect their health. Broken families leave babies and children neglected, while teenage pregnancy and gang violence run rampant. Patients fail themselves when they feel entitled to a quick fix for their health problems. I fail patients by being tired, rushed and incapable of understanding certain situations.  Deep racial segregation makes me do a double take when a Caucasian person walks down the streets of Lawndale or into the clinic waiting room. Socioeconomic and racial injustices, healthcare and educational disparities, and the way things are deeply bother me. They should bother me. They should bother everyone.

Another point of difficulty with this new position revolves around my pride and extroverted personality. I have always enjoyed achieving goals, serving in leadership roles, working towards a higher degree, and teaching others.  In college I worked hard towards a science and Spanish degree, taught piano and volunteered as an ESL teacher and admin support at Catherine’s Health Center. I was accepted into a doctoral program at Indiana University School of Optometry and completed a year. So, for many years I have gotten used to being the teacher, the leader, and the future doctor. Now, I’m doing a job that doesn’t require any sort of degree, I’m not involved in leadership at work, and I don’t officially teach anyone. Woof. It has been hard. Arrogance and ignorance kept me from thinking that this job would be any sort of problem for my ego. Surprise, surprise, I was quite wrong.

I want someone to ask me for my opinion, I want to be involved in decisions, I want to utilize my talents more effectively. Wa wa wa, I could whine about it all day. A lot of times, I just want to feel important, which is not good. Certainly, feeling called to achievement is not inherently wrong, but my motivation for doing so is often flawed. I don’t know exactly what God is teaching me through this position, but I’ll take a stab at it. My career, opinion, leadership status, talents and ability to use them should be secondary to my identity as Christ’s child. God has wonderful and unique challenges for me in this position. I have no doubt that He will use this experience to shape my heart and mind for future endeavors. I need to trust him enough to let that happen. I need to find contentment in any circumstance (thank you apostle Paul).

In sum, my personal and professional struggles cause me to lean heavily on Christ.  I realize anew that I am incapable of making a difference on my own. He does it all. I may listen, care, love and support this community the best way I know how. However, at the end and throughout each day, my focus must remain upward. When I am drowning in frustration with myself, the community, patients and the way things are, I am bumping up against sin.

God promises that wrestling with the result of sin in this world will be a difficult struggle. Being a Christian living in a fallen world is difficult. The hip phrase, “the struggle is real” remains irrefutably true.  Thankfully, future hope is also incredibly true. Praise Him for the unwavering promise of future glory. Praise Him for a reason to hope.

This post is honest, but I hope it does not seem negative. I think being transparent about these difficulties is not only helpful for me, but also for my friends and family who pray for this community. Despite the hardships, I truly love living in Lawndale. I know God wants me here right now, and I wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else. 

Thanks for reading!  Bless your ministry.