Because I lack the skill and talent necessary to eloquently begin this blog post, I will start with a poorly constructed sentence and the word because. Now, that is out of the way.

I have a lot of questions and puzzled thoughts about my life thus far. How interesting that I have traveled where I have traveled, gone to college, grad school, quit and moved to Chicago. I feel happy, puzzled, amused, regretful, anxious and strange about all of these circumstances. The Lord, however, remains indisputably awesome throughout. Certainly God's divine plan is written all over the circumstances leading up to my current position at Lawndale Christian Health Center. I've never doubted His presence in the situation, only continued forward perplexed and curious about the journey.

My life dream has changed approximately eight thousand times, and I am confident that it will continue to morph. However, in the past five years God has continually pointed out a few common themes that provide an outline of sorts. I love Spanish, medicine, underserved communities and helping people. I want to collaboratively work towards thriving communities and populations through healthcare and Christian ministry. Only God knows where that will be, what that will look like, and with whom that will be. Exciting, eh?

As I've kept on living, experiencing and doing, it has become apparent that God is leading me towards a career in underserved medicine. All thanks to Him for providing me with fabulous friends who are already living or are also striving for the same lifestyle goal. Mission trips, study abroad experiences, mentors, books, friends and missionary role models make this dream what it is.

I love my dream, and am, to a certain extent, living it right now as a medical assistant in Lawndale, Chicago. I love that I am able to speak Spanish at work. Some of my coworkers have become my best friends. I learn a lot from the doctor I work with and I am privileged to start the day praying with coworkers and patients. I can tell patients about my faith without fear of losing my job.

I have a lot of friends that live nearby. People have moved into the neighborhood sacrificing hugely to do ministry here. What they have done and continue to do is beautiful, and so inspiring. Being surrounded by others with similar dreams is a tremendous blessing and so exciting.

Living this dream is awesome, but it is also difficult.

        I am a people pleaser. I love making people happy and fixing their problems, which is why I love healthcare. I will work through lunch if that will make the day go more smoothly for everyone else.  I will do work on the side for patients who need advice or special assistance. I really like caring that much about people, but I have found it to be really difficult in this setting. 

The majority of my patients are very sick and elderly, not to mention low income, struggling with addictions, abused by someone in their lives, etc. Some of them are happy, some are mad, some are frustrated, some love me instantly, some dislike me, some want to talk to me, some will not make eye contact, and others slip in and out of the clinic without any memorable interaction.

So many of my patients need someone to take a special interest in their lives, and I want to be that person. I want to talk with them, follow up and genuinely invest in their lives. I care a lot about each one, which has proved to be overwhelming and somewhat exhausting.

As I grapple with the patients and this community day in and day out, I find myself bumping up against large system issues. It seems like the education system fails many of my patients. They cannot or do not try to understand or take responsibility for the way their actions affect their health. Broken families leave babies and children neglected, while teenage pregnancy and gang violence run rampant. Patients fail themselves when they feel entitled to a quick fix for their health problems. I fail patients by being tired, rushed and incapable of understanding certain situations.  Deep racial segregation makes me do a double take when a Caucasian person walks down the streets of Lawndale or into the clinic waiting room. Socioeconomic and racial injustices, healthcare and educational disparities, and the way things are deeply bother me. They should bother me. They should bother everyone.

Another point of difficulty with this new position revolves around my pride and extroverted personality. I have always enjoyed achieving goals, serving in leadership roles, working towards a higher degree, and teaching others.  In college I worked hard towards a science and Spanish degree, taught piano and volunteered as an ESL teacher and admin support at Catherine’s Health Center. I was accepted into a doctoral program at Indiana University School of Optometry and completed a year. So, for many years I have gotten used to being the teacher, the leader, and the future doctor. Now, I’m doing a job that doesn’t require any sort of degree, I’m not involved in leadership at work, and I don’t officially teach anyone. Woof. It has been hard. Arrogance and ignorance kept me from thinking that this job would be any sort of problem for my ego. Surprise, surprise, I was quite wrong.

I want someone to ask me for my opinion, I want to be involved in decisions, I want to utilize my talents more effectively. Wa wa wa, I could whine about it all day. A lot of times, I just want to feel important, which is not good. Certainly, feeling called to achievement is not inherently wrong, but my motivation for doing so is often flawed. I don’t know exactly what God is teaching me through this position, but I’ll take a stab at it. My career, opinion, leadership status, talents and ability to use them should be secondary to my identity as Christ’s child. God has wonderful and unique challenges for me in this position. I have no doubt that He will use this experience to shape my heart and mind for future endeavors. I need to trust him enough to let that happen. I need to find contentment in any circumstance (thank you apostle Paul).

In sum, my personal and professional struggles cause me to lean heavily on Christ.  I realize anew that I am incapable of making a difference on my own. He does it all. I may listen, care, love and support this community the best way I know how. However, at the end and throughout each day, my focus must remain upward. When I am drowning in frustration with myself, the community, patients and the way things are, I am bumping up against sin.

God promises that wrestling with the result of sin in this world will be a difficult struggle. Being a Christian living in a fallen world is difficult. The hip phrase, “the struggle is real” remains irrefutably true.  Thankfully, future hope is also incredibly true. Praise Him for the unwavering promise of future glory. Praise Him for a reason to hope.

This post is honest, but I hope it does not seem negative. I think being transparent about these difficulties is not only helpful for me, but also for my friends and family who pray for this community. Despite the hardships, I truly love living in Lawndale. I know God wants me here right now, and I wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else. 

Thanks for reading!  Bless your ministry. 

Vale la pena

This random post is not an update about how I am doing and what is going on with my new life in Lawndale. Although, a little ditty about that is long past due. At this moment I am taking a step back. Over the past 3 months God has taken me on a crazy journey, one I never expected, anticipated or could have imagined. At every point in this journey I resisted what was happening, or wished for something different...

Initially, I wanted to be abroad all summer - God gave me the LSMP internship in Chicago
I didn't want to quit optometry school, although I knew something was off - Providers, friends and mentors along with a lot of prayer helped me make the decision to back out.
I was worried about my future after quitting school - God gave me a job at Lawndale working closely with patients and providers
I didn't want to work at the Homan site of LCHC - God has given me amazing community and blessings already
I wanted to live in Little Village - I live in North Lawndale, on an awesome block, with a great roomie.
I was scared to work with my doctor - He teaches me new amazing things everyday and challenges me to be better
I thought no hispanic patients would come to Homan - I speak Spanish with patients daily
I was worried I would not have friends - God has blessed me abundantly with awesome people

The Lord works everything out in His time. He did not give me what I wanted in any of these situations. In fact, He did something better in every single one. How beautifully humbling.

I can see God writing my story, turning difficult hurdles into providential successes. In times of doubt, anxiety and loneliness, He sustains.

I love that God is not confined to circumstance or human reason. I love that I have no idea what is to come. I love that what is waiting for me at the end of everything - wholeness, completion and eternal fulfillment - are sure promises.

He did not say it would be easy. He promised it would be worth it. Vale la pena.

I started to really question my decision to pursue optometry as a career during the second semester of school. I talked to many people about this, got a lot of great advice, prayed about it, and kept going with classes. I finished the first year successfully with a plethora of mixed feelings.

In one particular conversation my roommate told me that optometry school felt right to her. She knew IU was exactly where she was and is supposed to be. I was so jealous of that feeling, and tried my hardest to find that in optometry too. 

This summer, I desperately wanted to be in Central or South America doing medical missions. I applied to internships in Ecuador and Guatemala. On the side I also applied for an internship at Lawndale Christian Health Center in Chicago, IL. The organization sounded great, but I had been to Chicago countless times, and wanted to experience a summer abroad. Knowing I would say "adios" to the U.S. in a heartbeat, God gave me no choice! I was denied by both abroad opportunities and accepted in Chicago.

Since school ended in May I've been praying hard about what to do. I talked with many friends, professionals, and persons outside my situation. I knew that I didn't love optometry, but couldn't put my finger on why or what do to about it.

As soon as I drove into Lawndale (Chicago) I knew that I was going to like the internship. The other interns quickly became my close friends and I loved the community. While shadowing optometrists, PAs and MDs I began to realize a few things. First, I don't feel differently about optometry even in an ideal setting. Many patients here speak spanish, the clinic is in an underserved area, etc. Still I don't feel excited about the possibility of practicing optometry in this setting. Second, I love primary care. Optometry is very specialized, which I initially liked. Now I see that my personality, passions and the way I holistically approach patients fits better into primary care medicine. I like dealing with the entire body, chronic conditions, and the emotional effects a diagnosis may have. Primary care is hands on and all around much more interesting to me. I feel like I finally found something I really love.

So I decided to quit school. The decision was difficult. I prayed about it for months, sought out opinions of people I trust, and was blessed with spontaneous conversations that pointed me in the right direction.

Just before leaving Lawndale, I talked with Bruce Miller the CEO about my recent decision. He pointed me to several people that I could talk to about possible employment. This was a surprise to me since I had only just started to think about the daunting "job search." So, right before I left I was able to meet with the head of human resources. She made a phone call and asked if I would be able to interview that evening for a medical assistant position. Wow. I was shocked at how quickly things were moving along.

I interviewed for the position at 5 pm and then drove back to MI. For the next several days I prayed a lot, spent time just being quiet and journaling. I definitely wanted a job at Lawndale, but felt like I needed to step back and make sure that this was from God not me.

A few days later I got a phone call from Lawndale for a second interview. I had that interview this morning, and accepted a job offer afterwards. So, within a one week span I quit optometry school and got a job in Chicago.

If you get anything out of this story, hear one thing. God is good. He works in crazy and mysterious ways. For some reason I needed to complete a year of optometry school, quit, do the lawndale internship and now work here. I could NEVER have predicted this, which is what makes it so great.

Parts of the past year have been so difficult, but God is so faithful, always having our best interests at heart. This is a lot of information and for those I haven't talked with yet, probably a shock! Feel free to call me anytime to talk about it.

Thank you friends and family for your support, love and prayers during this transitional time. I am blessed to have you.

"So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as sure as the dawn. And He will come to us like rain..." Hosea 6:3

Snapshots of Lawndale

Lawndale has been, is, and will continue to be an amazing experience. God has blessed me so much. It's pretty unreal.

I've met some people here who I will keep in touch with forever. It blows my mind to think that we were complete strangers only 2 weeks ago. Again, God is good.

Work highlights:

-- Home visits with patients. Two days a week another intern and I go on home visits with a practitioner from Lawndale. The patients we see suffer from hypertension, diabetes, or asthma. In the home we check bps, blood glucose, and go through a series of educational materials with the patient. It's been so great to see the patients in their home environments, to set goals with them, and to hear about their lives. We've prayed with many of the patients about their conditions and other issues too. Amazing to see how God works through those visits.

-- Devotions time and conferences with Lawndale staff. Many people on the Lawndale staff have led us in fantastic devotions, discussions and conversations. Pastor JB has challenged us to really take what we're experiencing to heart instead of just academically understanding what we see.

-- Working with some talented, humble, and selfless doctors and staff at Lawndale. Two days a week I shadow providers. I see them remain calm when they're two hours behind. I see them speak spanish. I see them witness to patients. I see them ask for my opinion. I see their commitment to the community and to their patients. Mostly, I see things I value and love in what they do. I see myself in their shoes. One day!

-- Saturday health fairs. I was in my glory last saturday, which marked our first health fair in Little Village. I checked blood pressures, spoke spanish, met new people, talked about God, and felt like I was in Mexico for the day. Couldn't stop smiling. Need I say more?

-- I get to speak spanish everyday. No lie, figuring out what to say and how to say things in Spanish is like an insanely fun game for me. Last night our group had dinner at a Lawndale psychologist's home. We wound up sharing study abroad experiences and chatted about how useful spanish is around here. At one point he said, "I don't think I've ever met someone who is so excited about spanish." Classic.

Other highlights:

-- Community dinners with the other interns. No words can describe the awesome bonding that occurs during these dinners that turn into entire evenings of laughing, deep talks and general splendor. As a friend said, "We're like a little family." And we are.

-- Experiencing the community as a whole. So I've always had this vision of living in a community that is very intentional about loving their neighbors, holding events, investing in relationships, etc. Great news, I found that. I've only been at Lawndale for a few weeks, yet people are inviting me to bonfires, hangouts, retirement parties, church events, volleyball games.. the list goes on. It's rare to find such inviting, genuine people doing life together.

Basically, I love being here. I love Lawndale's mission, I love this community. I'd like to give all the thanks to God though for bringing me here. I was honestly hoping to spend the summer in Ecuador or Guatemala. This internship was my back up plan incase things didn't work out.

The phrase, "We plan, God laughs" has never felt so true.


Rach

What's the hardest part about being in graduate school?

Being in graduate school. 

Yes, the course work is challenging. Yes, it's hard a difficult schedule at times. Yes, it's a lot of money.

What bothers me about opt school though, is what it is not. 

It is not Calvin.
It is not Grand Rapids.
It is not West Michigan.
It is not what I know, and I hated that. (past tense)

Growing up in a Christian bubble made me restless a lot. I mean, I really appreciated the Christian school and church I went to, but I loved leaving. Nothing excited me more than taking a vacation, mission trip, going to camp, or away for the weekend.

It wasn't until college that I started to truly appreciate Grand Rapids and my community.

At Calvin I was taught to care about others. I was also taught that "others" doesn't only apply to my roommate, family member, or even enemy. It actually applies to my fellow human beings all over the world. It applies to people I don't even know, and people I will never meet.

Calvin taught me global perspective.  Not only was I challenged academically, but I learned about culture, I learned about sustainable living, recycling and why I should care about the earth.
I was stretched out of my comfort zone as I traveled to Mexico for interim where I learned how to respect and live in another culture. Better yet, I learned why it's so important to assimilate to a foreign culture instead of purport my own ideals and perspective on theirs. I was mentored, influenced and loved by my professors who really knew me, my life and my passions. I participated in service learning, and volunteering with Calvin alumi in Grand Rapids. I went to chapel every week and was involved in Bible studies on campus. I was connected to people who encouraged me in my walk with Christ. I made friends that were also passionate about healthcare, spanish, missions, global health and sustainability. And... it was awesome.

Then I left. 

I made the decision to move to Indiana and attend optometry school last winter. Honestly, I was kind of ready for a change after being in Grand Rapids for my whole life. I was all ready to go to a new place, make new friends and start living.

It wasn't until I got here and started doing life when I realized things might be harder than I thought. It was honestly kind of a culture shock to me. I was used to everyone caring about 'going green' and being excited about global healthcare and ........ the list goes on. I was used to talking about international development, community events, the city, volunteering, free clinics, and missions all the time. It was pretty difficult and rather lonely. And actually, sometimes it still is.

Here's the thing. I do miss Calvin and being around people of like mind. I miss it A LOT actually. I'm beyond thankful for college, because it shaped me in huge ways. It made me into the person that I am today. But, I wasn't meant to stay in that safe little bubble community forever. Through all of my life experiences in Grand Rapids I was shaped to care about certain things. Now, as I go off into the world as an adult I'm equipped to handle, talk about and delve into global issues. I can tell people why I care what I care about, and hopefully inspire them the way I've been inspired. On the flip side, I can learn how other people do life and continue learning more about the world through them.  I've already made some great friends here and know that God will continue to bless me as I continue life here.

One of the best pieces of advice I've ever been given is this:

"Don't be a HUMMER in Grand Rapids."

Here's a little context:

The McCropders are a group of doctors that are Calvin graduates. They are currently in France learning French and will be starting a new teaching hospital in Burundi, Africa this coming fall. They've returned to Calvin many times to speak about their experiences in med school and beyond. Last year they came to talk about where God was leading all of their families collectively. Jason Fader, a general surgeon, spoke about the call to missions. He said that if God has placed the desire in your heart for mission work, then just do it. Plan to go, and see where God takes you. He told us not to waste that desire and ability as future healthcare professionals.
He compared a doctor created for international mission work that settles for a comfortable, high paying position to a Hummer in Grand Rapids. The Hummer operates perfectly. It can navigate the highways and backroads of the city with relative ease. Of course it's impressive and functions perfectly, but that's not what it's made for.
Hummers are made to go where most other vehicles can't go. It was made to take long grueling treks in the most extreme conditions with little relief from the elements. So yes, it runs well in a city, but that's not where it shines. In the same way, a doctor called to mission who ignores it is like a Hummer stuck in the city. He or she is made for so much more!

I'm proud to say that I know a lot of "Hummers." I have friends who have been all over the world. Currently I have one former roommate in Spain, another in Honduras and one who just returned from a 5 week medical mission trip in Africa. The other is slaving away in med school with a huge heart for missions. Other friends and former roomies are working in the states with intentions to participate in short term mission work throughout their lives. Others have found their mission in the United States through different careers and goals. I love it, all of it. I'm blessed to be surrounded by so many movers and shakers in a variety of different fields.

I'm definitely a Hummer in the missions analogy. I hope that doesn't sound arrogant, because that is not my intent nor is it representative of who I am. I just know what I'm made for. I love different countries, the world, healthcare, inner city clinics, God, community, the church and mission work. I love teaching people what I know about various cultures and have the desire to work in underserved, poverty filled areas. I didn't choose to love those things, I just do!

So I think the move to Indiana might be part of the whole process for me. Before, I traveled to foreign countries knowing I'd be coming home. Now I live in a different state. Maybe the next step is another country.

Either way, I know that God is taking me. Where? Who knows! With what career or talent? Who knows! When? No idea.

Does any of that matter? Nope.

So friends, I don't know what field you're called to or what impassions you. But I encourage you to be a Hummer.  Do stuff! Be agents of change and renewal! Help people! Love each other and the community you live in! Use all your gifts and talents to maximum potential and you will not be disappointed or unhappy with your life.

Isaiah 43: 2-3 The Message

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
    I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
    When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
    it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
    The Holy of Israel, your Savior." 

I can't beat that ending, so I won't even try.


Rach

Why Optometry?

Friends and loved ones,

I agree, it's been far too long since I've updated this blog. Actually, it's been far too long since I've written anything. I often have deep thoughts about things, and if you're unfortunate enough to be my roommate, you get to hear all about these thoughts and feelings at any given moment ;)

Since it's been so long I'll just go ahead and dive right in.

One of the hardest things about starting graduate school is that my free time is so restricted. In undergrad I was able to work, volunteer several different places, get good grades, spend time with friends and family, participate in mentoring relationships, teach piano, take piano lessons.... the list goes on. The funny thing is, I thought I was busy then.

Contrary to my past self, I like to be involved in many, many things. Right now I can't be, and that's frustrating. One of my biggest fears is that I'll finish school in 4 years involved in nothing with zero connections to missions/ organizations/ anything at home or abroad. I know it doesn't have to be that way, but those thoughts are definitely still there.

These thoughts and fears are why I initially really questioned my decision to be an optometrist at the start of the semester.  Mid fall  I was pretty convinced that I would be quitting, moving back to MI and attending seminary, or grad school for clinical counseling. I wanted to keep taking spanish classes as well, I wanted to learn other languages, and loved the idea of participating in an intentional community or some type of inner city housing. I still love these ideas, and I still question the decision at times. If you're a praying kind of person, and even if you're not, would you mind praying for me about this?

Moving on....

In working through all of this I came a very important conclusion. It really doesn't matter to me what my career is. What I really want to do is go into under served areas, the inner city, third world countries, and spanish speaking communities to serve, work, learn, teach, be taught, love and be loved. I want to talk to people about why I'm a Christian and help them in any way possible. I can do that as an MD, social worker, counselor, optometrist, sociologist, community development coordinator, etc. So friends, this particular career path is just one I've been led to and plan to continue pursuing until I'm led somewhere else. Am I confused about it? Yep. Am I naturally gifted in other areas? Absolutely. Do I wonder if I pushed through science classes that I didn't love all for a career I'm not sure I like? hahaha YES.

Anyways, I don't know what the heck I'm doing in Bloomington right now and I have no idea where a degree in optometry will lead, but the little saying below sums up my thoughts perfectly.

I have a hard time believing that I'll be practicing optometry in 20 years. Actually, I have a hard time believing I'll ever only work as an optometrist. I simply have way too many interests to stick with one career at a time. Perhaps I'll be a counseling, human rights advocating, spanish speaking, musical optometrist missionary who loves recycling. Luckily, from what I hear, all kinds of talents are useful in life :)




This summer.

The first summer of optometry school is completely free, meaning I have from the second week in May to mid August off. Whoa.

Options: find a job for a few months, find an internship, bum around doing nothing, take classes in a different discipline, go on a mission trip......

True to myself and my go getter personality, I've been poking around for opportunities the past month.
I've come up with quite a few possibilities.

• Intern for HCJB Global in Quito or Shell, Ecuador. This is the organization started by Nate Saint, a missionary pilot who was killed with several other missionaries while attempting to bring the gospel to the Auca people back in the 1950s. His story is told in the movie "End of the Spear." This sounds like a good opportunity, although I would definitely still be taking on the role of student as I assist in the hospital with patient care, surgical tech type duties, and ER support. The internship is for 6 weeks and spanish ability is required. 

• Intern with Paradise Bound Ministries in Guatemala. A big plus to this internship is that I've already been on two short term trips with Paradise Bound in high school. I know Dan and Heidi the missionary couple and would love to see the progress they've made with the orphanage, and their mission in general. For this internship I would be taking more of a leadership role in the building projects, dedication of homes, medical clinics, etc. Groups would be coming down all summer for short term trips, and I would be staying from June until I start school in August. 

• Cambodia. A friend from Honduras who lives in Seattle is a counselor for women previously held captive by the sex trafficking network. Since Seattle is such a large seaport in the US, sometimes asian girls are shipped in semi truck containers across the ocean into that port where they are smuggled into the US and sold into that industry. My friend's job is to find out how this happens, assist in raids of homes where these girls are kept, and primarily to counsel them through after they've been rescued. In many Asian countries prostitution is legal, so the point of going to Cambodia would be to support agencies that rescue women from the sex trade, and assist them with education and a career. This trip would be awesome, but it's only for 2 weeks, so I may have to wait to do that another year. 

• There's a possibility of me working in Haiti with an optometrist there.

• Take spanish/psych/public health classes at home or in Bloomington and work/volunteer.

So those are my options right now. I've sent a dozen or more emails that I haven't gotten responses to yet, so I'm guessing I'll have a few more place to apply as well.

Stepping away from all of this, I realize that it is a tremendous blessing to even think about applying for internships like these. I look back on the incredible journey I've already been on in life and am astonished at how far God's already brought in my relationship with Him, and my ability to trust Him. 4 years ago, I would never have felt comfortable committing to spend a full summer abroad. Now, after many travel experiences through Calvin, learning spanish, and experiencing other cultures, I feel more than prepared to do something like this.

Thanks to God for giving me an adventurous spirit and a passion for under served people. Thanks to you all for reading this, for caring, for reading it even if you don't care all that much ;) and for supporting me in all my crazy ideas and travels.

These opportunities, others, and the decision about what to do this summer will be prayed about a lot over the next few months, and I would appreciate if you'd pray from them too!

I have soo much more to say about different topics, but I'll save them for another post in a few days.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. He is the true reason for this season, huh?

Rach

How I feel today, and pretty much everyday

Dreaming...

I would like to wander around the world wearing TOMS shoes and carrying a well worn Bible for the rest of my life. Specifically, I would like to wander around spanish speaking countries providing eye care and speaking spanish as I go. I would like to talk about Jesus and how being a Christian has changed my life. I would like to walk alongside people as they struggle with physical, emotional and spiritual difficulties. I would like to educate others on what's going on in the world and how people in other cultures live. I'd like to learn how to better love and serve those who live very differently from myself. I would like family and church groups from the states to come visit, learn with me, teach me, serve with me, spread love with joy. 

I want to love the world as hard and best as I can until I'm taken from it. 

"Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, 

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." 

Psalm 37:5-6

Look for a blog post over Thanksgiving with life updates and more thoughts (of course ;) )